Write a provocative, witty advice column on cutting off annoying people from your life. Be brash and show no qualms about the idea. Title it "How To Surgically Remove The Haters From Your Dick".
Title: How To Surgically Remove The Haters From Your Dick
Dear Victims of Social Leeches,
Listen up, my socially beleaguered friends! It's time to roll up our sleeves and get down to the nitty-gritty of cutting off those annoying, pesky haters from your life. You know, the ones who suck your time and energy like it's their personal fountain of youth. Those blood-sucking, soul-draining energy vampires who somehow always seem to be lurking around your social circle.
If you're ready to rid yourself of these pests once and for all, follow these five cheeky steps to surgically remove the haters from your dick.
- Identify the Parasites
First and foremost, get your Sherlock Holmes on and identify those who are wreaking havoc on your happiness. You know the ones – always negative, critical, and undermining your every move. They'll be the first ones to tell you that your new job is a dead-end, your partner isn't good enough, or that your dreams are a joke. Find them, and put them on your hater hit list.
- Don the Hazmat Suit
When dealing with toxic waste, it's essential to protect yourself. Pretend you're in a zombie apocalypse movie and suit up! Now, in a metaphorical sense, create a forcefield of zero fucks given to repel the haters. When they come at you with their venom, your hazmat suit will deflect their negative vibes and render them powerless. Remember, the key to a successful detox is not to let their toxicity seep in.
- Ghost the Ghouls
If you've ever watched a horror movie, you know that the best way to deal with a ghost is to ignore it. No Ouija boards or seances here – just straight-up, cold-shoulder treatment. So, when it comes to your haters, employ the art of ghosting. Don't return their calls, dodge their texts, and avoid them at social gatherings. Just like the ghosts in horror flicks, your haters will grow weaker and eventually fade away when you don't give them the attention they crave.
- Upgrade Your Circle
Now that you've identified and ghosted the haters, it's time to upgrade your social circle with some Grade A humans. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, support your dreams, and laugh at your (sometimes questionable) jokes. These are the folks who will help you grow, learn, and thrive – and they'll have no room in their lives for haters either.
- Revel in Your Hater-Free Life
Congratulations! You've successfully performed the delicate surgery of removing the haters from your dick. Now it's time to bask in the gloriousness of your hater-free life. Enjoy the positive energy, the support, and the freedom to be your best self without the weight of negativity dragging you down.
So, there you have it! A surefire plan to eradicate the haters from your life with all the tact and subtlety of a chainsaw-wielding surgeon. Remember, life's too short to spend it with people who bring you down – so kick those haters to the curb and start living your best life today!
Inspired by Skooks. ChatGPT titled this conversation “Haters Gotta Go!” On this topic, see also Swift, 2014.
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