Intuitionistic Trump executive order

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Write a satirical news item where President Donald Trump passes an executive order requiring the use of intuitionistic logic for all government purposes

White House Orders Government To Prove Things Actually Exist Before Using Them

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise early-morning signing ceremony attended by stunned logicians and mildly amused bureaucrats, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Tuesday mandating that all federal agencies adopt intuitionistic logic “for official government purposes, press releases, and any polling that doesn’t look good.”

The order, titled “Constructively Making America Great Again,” requires agencies to stop relying on the Law of the Excluded Middle—traditionally used to decide whether a statement is true or false—and instead provide constructive proofs that something exists before citing it.

“From now on, if the Department of Energy says there exists a plan, they’re going to show the plan,” the President said, holding up a blank binder labeled Witness. “No more saying ‘either we have a plan or we don’t.’ That’s weak, it’s very weak, and frankly people are tired of classical logic. Sad!”

Agencies scramble to downgrade certainty

The Office of Management and Budget circulated guidance urging staff to replace binary conclusions with carefully hedged commitments. A sample memo reads: “We cannot assert ‘the bridge is safe or unsafe’ without a constructive proof. Please submit an explicit method for crossing.” The Department of Transportation responded by issuing orange cones labeled “Provisional Existence.”

At the Pentagon, officials confirmed that Schrödinger’s cat has been honorably discharged pending constructive evidence of life or death “with a reproducible witness.” Navy commanders, uncertain whether an incoming radar blip “either is or is not” a threat, requested funds for a “witness-producing missile.”

Courts brace for proof obligations

Federal judges reported sudden spikes in filings titled “We Can Build It, Your Honor.” One appellate panel vacated a conviction after the prosecution failed to produce a constructive algorithm for guilt. “A mere contradiction won’t do,” the opinion stated. “Bring us the recipe for wrongdoing.”

Economists discover budget only locally decidable

The Council of Economic Advisers updated its forecast to read: “Growth exists if and only if we can exhibit it. Please check back after Q4 when we attempt to compute ε > 0.” Markets reacted ambiguously, which analysts described as “formally appropriate.”

White House clarifies: polls must now produce witnesses

When asked whether the order applied to election polling, the Press Secretary said, “Yes. If a poll claims the President is losing suburban voters, the poll must deliver those voters to the briefing room, with IDs, biographies, and a step-by-step construction showing how they came to be.”

Mathematicians: mixed feelings, mostly constructive

Logicians applauded the newfound interest but warned of practical challenges. “Intuitionistic logic isn’t about vibes,” said one professor, moments before being escorted out for saying the word “tertium.” “It requires explicit methods—”

“Exactly,” said a senior advisor. “We’re very pro-method. We’ll be making methods all week.”

Implementation timeline uncertain, but not excluded

Agencies have 30 days to submit constructive implementation plans demonstrating that compliance is realizable, not merely not impossible. A final provision bans the phrase “with all due respect,” citing its reliance on double negation.

Asked whether the policy could be reversed by a future administration, the President concluded, “Either it will be reversed or it won’t—but under the new rules, they’ll have to show how. Good luck.”