Write an article giving dating advice based on Gricean pragmatics
Dating gets a lot easier (and less weird) when you understand what people do with words—not just what they say. That’s exactly what Gricean pragmatics is about.
Let’s turn the Gricean maxims into a very nerdy-but-surprisingly-useful dating guide.
1. The 30-second primer: Grice, but make it romantic
Philosopher H.P. Grice noticed that in everyday conversation, people usually follow an unwritten rule:
The Cooperative Principle: Make your contribution as is required, at the stage at which it occurs, by the accepted purpose of the conversation.
He broke this into four “maxims”:
- Quality – Be truthful. Don’t say what you believe is false or what you lack evidence for.
- Quantity – Say as much as needed, but not more.
- Relation – Be relevant. Stay on topic.
- Manner – Be clear. Avoid obscurity, ambiguity, and unnecessary complexity.
When we follow these, people understand us. When we play with or break them (on purpose), we create hints, jokes, and flirtation—what Grice called implicatures.
Dating is basically:
- Learning to cooperate using these maxims, and
- Learning to spot (and use) implicatures without driving each other nuts.
2. Maxim of Quality: Honesty as actual strategy
In dating terms
Say what you actually mean, especially about feelings, boundaries, and intentions.
-
“I had a good time, but I don’t feel a romantic connection”
High Quality: kind, honest, clear.
-
“I’m just really busy right now” when you’re actually uninterested
Low Quality: sounds polite, but creates confusion, false hope, and ghosting.
How to use Quality well
On your profile
- Don’t say: “Love hiking, always outdoors,” if you mean “walks to the coffee shop sometimes.”
- Do say: “I sometimes hike and I’d like to do more of it with someone.”
When you’re not feeling it Instead of ghosting, a Quality-respecting message might be:
“Thank you again for meeting up. You’re great to talk to, but I’m not feeling a romantic spark. I wish you the best.”
Short, kind, and truthful. You’re not pretending something might happen that won’t.
When you are feeling it Instead of vague reactions:
- Vague: “That was fun.”
- Quality-aligned: “I really enjoyed tonight—and I’d like to see you again.”
You’re reducing guesswork. That’s attractive.
3. Maxim of Quantity: Don’t send novels, don’t send crumbs
Say enough to be helpful, but not so much that you overwhelm or chase.
Texting: finding the “just right” zone
Too little (under-informative)
- “K”
- “lol”
- “sure” This can signal disinterest—even if you’re just socially anxious or busy.
Too much (over-informative) Them: “How was your day?” You: Eight-paragraph breakdown with hourly timestamps and a childhood trauma cameo.
That’s a lot for early-stage dating. Too much info too soon can feel like pressure or emotional dumping.
Balanced reply
“Pretty good! Work was hectic but I survived 😅 Went climbing after, now I’m a noodle. How was yours?”
Enough detail to open doors for conversation, not so much that it feels like a monologue.
On early dates
Quantity also applies to how much you share about your life and past.
- First / second date: Light stories, interests, values.
- Later, with trust: Deeper history, vulnerabilities, family stuff.
Rule of thumb: match their depth. If they’re paddling in the shallow end, don’t immediately dive into the Mariana Trench.
4. Maxim of Relation: Relevance = “I’m really here with you”
Stay on topic in a way that shows you’re actually engaged.
On dates
If they say:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about changing careers.”
And you say:
“Yeah. Anyway, I love pizza.”
That’s a Relation violation. It suggests you’re not listening.
Better:
“What are you thinking of switching to?” “What do you not like about your current job?” “What would your dream job look like?”
You respond to the emotion and topic they presented.
In flirting
Flirty relevance is when you pick up something small they said and play with it.
Them: “I’m weirdly obsessed with houseplants.” You: “So if we ever date, I’m basically competing with a fern for your affection?”
You’re staying relevant but adding humor and warmth.
5. Maxim of Manner: Clarity is sexy
Be clear, especially about interest, boundaries, and expectations.
Ambiguous, foggy signals create anxiety. Clear signals create safety.
Be clear about interest
Instead of:
- “We should hang out sometime.” (vague, non-committal)
Try:
“I’d like to see you again. Are you free Thursday evening for coffee or a walk?”
You’re clear:
- that you’re interested
- about what you want
- about when and how
Be clear about boundaries
Instead of hinting:
- “Yeah, I’m just… not that type of person I guess haha”
Try:
“I’m not comfortable sending photos like that.” “I like moving slowly physically. Is that something you’re okay with?”
Clear > hinting. Good people will respect it; the rest self-select out (which is a gift).
6. Flirting with implicature: Breaking maxims on purpose
Flirting often works by obviously bending the maxims in a playful way.
Example: Flouting Quantity
Them: “So, what kind of music do you like?” You: “Objectively terrible pop that I will passionately defend with my life.”
You under-inform (no list, no specifics), but you imply:
- you’re playful
- you’re self-aware
- you’re inviting follow-up
Example: Flouting Quality (hyperbole)
“I nearly died waiting for your text.” “We are clearly soulmates because you also hate coriander.”
You don’t literally mean this. The exaggerated untruth creates humor and warmth, but works only if the non-literalness is obvious.
Example: Flouting Relation (teasing)
Them: “I’m trying to be more organized this year.” You: “Ah, so this is your villain origin story.”
Slightly off-topic, but related enough to be funny and show personality.
Key rule: Playful violations work after basic trust and clarity are established. On dating apps or first texts, stick closer to the maxims until you have a feel for the other person’s humor.
7. Reading between the lines: What their pragmatics might be telling you
Gricean pragmatics is super useful for decoding mixed signals.
When Quantity drops
If they:
- go from long, engaged replies → one-word answers
- stop asking questions back
- keep saying “I’m busy” with no follow-up plans
Possible implicature: they’re withdrawing or not that interested.
You don’t have to over-interpret every small fluctuation, but a consistent pattern matters.
When Relation disappears
You send thoughtful messages, they respond with:
- random memes without context
- no reference to what you said
- “haha” and then change topic every time you get emotional
Possible implicature: they’re uncomfortable with emotional depth, or not invested in you so much as in casual distraction.
When Manner is suspiciously vague
“I don’t want anything serious right now.” “I’m just seeing what happens.” “You never know…”
Could be honest ambivalence. Could also be a way to keep you around without committing.
You’re allowed to ask for clarity:
“When you say ‘nothing serious,’ does that mean casual dating only? I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
8. Using Grice for hard conversations
Tough talks (“What are we?” “I need more from this relationship”) go better when you consciously use the maxims.
Example: “Define the relationship” (DTR) talk
Instead of circling and hinting:
Quality:
“I like you and I’m interested in being exclusive.”
Quantity: Enough context, not a dissertation:
“We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months, and I’ve really enjoyed it. I’m not seeing anyone else and I don’t want to. I’d like to know how you’re feeling.”
Relation: Stay on this topic. Don’t drag in old fights or side stories.
Manner: Be direct, not cryptic:
“How do you feel about being exclusive?” Not: “So… where do you see yourself… in general… with people.”
9. Online profiles through a Gricean lens
Quality: Be truthful, not market-y
- Don’t: “6’0” if you’re 5’8.
- Don’t: “Ready for something serious” if you’re actually just bored and swiping.
Honesty filters in compatible people and filters out mismatches.
Quantity: Enough info to start a conversation
Bad:
“I like food and travel.” (So does almost everyone alive.)
Better:
“Currently trying to find the best ramen in the city. Also will absolutely drag you to random bookstores.”
You’re giving hooks—specifics people can reply to.
Manner: Be clear about what you want
Instead of:
“Open to possibilities” (which can mean anything)
Try:
“Open to something serious with the right person; not interested in hookups.” or “Looking for something casual and fun, not a relationship.”
Clarity saves everyone time and heartache.
10. TL;DR: A Gricean cheat-sheet for dating
You can mentally run your dating life through four questions:
-
Quality (Truth):
- Am I being honest about what I feel, want, and intend?
-
Quantity (How much):
- Am I giving enough information—but not flooding the other person?
-
Relation (Relevance):
- Am I really responding to what they just said or showed me?
-
Manner (Clarity):
- Would a reasonable person understand what I mean, or am I being confusing/ambiguous?
And then, once that foundation is solid:
- Playfully break these rules now and then to flirt, tease, and build in-jokes.
- But don’t use ambiguity or half-truths to keep people on the hook. That’s bad pragmatics and bad ethics.
If you want, I can take a specific situation (e.g., “I’m texting someone I like and don’t know what to say,” or “I think someone is sending me mixed signals”) and walk through it step-by-step using the Gricean maxims.
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